The Break In...

You really shouldn't listen in on the conversations of others. That's a given. I wasn't raised to do it. But like all the great rules that keep the planets aligned in our universe there are exceptions . Shane and I have been friends for years. Each year our company has a conference, In the interest of economy we are asked to double up. The first year we roomed together Shane's wife warned me about his snoring. It is legendary. Like in a Flintstone's cartoon the drawers in the room go in and out and the curtains move. No, seriously! Well I am known to saw some wood at night myself so no harm done. Shane also has the remarkable ability to fall asleep the nano second that his head hits the pillow. This precludes the idea of getting to sleep before him. I swear that there is an electrical contact on his ear lobe and the second it makes contact with the pillow the pressure completes a circuit and BLAM! He is unconscious, AND snoring. It truly is one of the wonders of the modern world.

So it was that last week we wound up together in the windy city (Winnipeg, Brrrr!). Now Winnipeg prides itself on being the geographical center, not only of Canada but of North America as well. While in location it may be in the middle in terms of climate it lives on both extremes. It can be hot and muggy in summer and brutally cold in winter. "It's a dry cold Winnipergers (Winnipegonians?) will tell you. You should slap these people. They are the same crowd who, in the summer, say "It's not the heat it's the humidity!" Actually it is neither the heat nor the humidity it is foolish government laws that prevent normal human beings like me and you from shooting inane motor mouths who peddle such dribble.

In any case, I digress. Back to the call, back to the overheard news that froze my blood worse than the twelve thousand kilometer per hour wind in fair Winterpeg that gave us a a windchill factor of forty degrees below absolute zero kelvin. Shane's phone was on the bed. I heard it whir and buzz as he had it set not to ring so as not to wake anyone during the endless hours of meetings we must endure every year as our penance for getting a free trip to sunny Winnipeg in March.

I think that Wireton Willy not only saw his shadow he met his maker. I am sure that someone killed the poor little bugger and buried his fuzzy little carcass good and deep. Spring might not come for six months, let alone six weeks.

Shane and I are old veterans of these meetings. We have developed a patented method of dealing with the afternoon nod offs that inevitably come from the sadistically early 6:30 starts. When I say 6:30 that means you must be there at 6:30 with a roommate you must be up and in the shower by 5:30. If you are to have a hope of getting an elevator. Not too bad if you are only a floor or two above the lobby. But the eighth floor is actually 10 floors up due to the upper lobby and mezzanine. Each floor has three flights of marble stairs as slippery as an eel`s keester. What do we do to counter the mid afternoon nods. It is called the snort and snap. The moment your snoozing chin hits your chest you let out a micro snore which wakes you from your reverie and your head snaps up with alarming speed. If you wear reading glasses, as I do you must be care full that you do not propel them through the air as this is a dead give away to ever vigilant Vice Presidents who may be watching.

One thing that helps is that Shane rents a car and we drive ourselves to the venues. Along the way, of course we have a few extra minutes as we are not lined up with the plebes on the buses provided by the company. They are herded in like cattle, we crank the stereo and head for the Timmy`s drive through. We show up a few minutes after the buses arrive, imparting just the right amount of tension into our boss. We pat his back and congratulate him on his skill at kitten herding. We in his district are a willful lot of old sinners and young mavericks and are about as easy to round up and a bucket of quicksilver on a gravel hill. We sport our steaming cups of Tim`s finest and make a slow deliberate motion as we suck back the lovely nectar. "What's that?" one of the new guys asked as we both emitted deep mocking sighs. "That my young friend is the rarest of creatures at the Wintering Partners conference. That is a large double double!" He stepped back "You buggers! How did you get that?" "That is one of the advantages of being a vet. Do I have any Maple dip on my face?" I asked sounding like that cat that ate the canary. "I takes mine black, if you should happen to slip out at lunch!" my boss added cheerily.

At lunch we of course slipped out and availed ourselves of the local fare. On the way back we stopped and filled our bosses order for a large black coffee. This time when the rookie manager eyed us enviously I quipped. "Do I have anything on my nose? Anything brown?" Again he shook his head and walked away, while Shane and I laughed. "It;s all about the comfort!" Shane postulated, loud enough for all to hear. Our compatriots are used to our shenanigans. Shane and I color outside the lines. We have what they call character. My wife would say that we are a couple of cards and that we should be dealt with.

Anyways none of this is getting us any closer to the overheard conversation. Shane scanned the room once it occurred to us what the noise was. Our room could not be described as a mess, but we must have been a bane to the cleaning staff. Shane seldom travels light. He brings robe and slippers. His own coffee mug, pillows from home and quite often his own travel coffee maker as this hotel is too posh to provide one in the room. Finally he decided that he had left the phone in his pants pocket. Retrieving it he said hello. We have an understanding.if the call is private we retreat to the bathroom and close the door. We seldom do this. Usually the calls are of a mundane nature and we simply have the entire conversation with comments being chimed in by the party not on the phone. "Tell Lina to go home, the store is closed!" Shane will pipe when Lina complains about working late. "Shane the peelers are here, get off the phone with your girlfriend or I will tell your wife!" He is on the phone with his wife, of course, the whole thing is done for her benefit. Listening in is simply practical, it saves us repeating the entire conversation after we hang up. Five thirty comes early you know!

Shanes wife likes to talk about the time that Shane and I were driving around in Edmonton. She called and since Shane was driving I answered. She gave me a brief message to pass on, I then hung up. Or at least that's what I thought I did. I have a flip style cell phone. You just close it and that's it. On Shane's cell phone you have to press a button to hang up and in my ignorance I pressed the wrong button. For the next two hours we drove around Edmonton with an open phone line. Apparently she tried yelling but we were so busy yakking that we did not hear her. "Any worries I had about you fooling around on me were completely assuaged." She told us later. "You guys are the two most boring guys in history." As we had discussed such racy subjects as concentrated detergent and the latest Phil Collins compilation. "You guys could put Evel Kneivel to sleep!" she added.

Anyways, where was I, oh yeah the cal ll... "What's wrong honey?" Shane said his voice raised out of it's normal laid back tone. "Two of them?" he said. My ears perked up. "Right in the porch?!!!" He sounded serious now. "It's O.K. dear calm down!" He was doing his best to sound calming. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and sat up. "Don't worry I'm sure they won't be back tonight." I was transfixed. "Right in the porch?!! Bold as brass, eh?!!" My mind raced. What should we do. Had she called the police? Was she alone? Had they left or were they still in the house? Were they armed? A thousand things went through my mind. "You do know how to bar the porch door right?" Oh my GOD! Bar the door? I looked around for my cell phone, in case Shane wanted to stay on the line while I called the R.C.M.P. I motion towards the phone and made the numbers 911 in the air with my finger. Shane waved his palm at me, to tell me to wait. I stood poised. My senses tingling. "What are you going to do? Are you going to sleep there tonight?" Oh man, it must be serious, she's thinking of moving out! "Staring right at you, eh? Poor baby!" Shane consoled. Man, eye to eye, I thought. How frightening. No wonder the poor girl was upset. Still Shane seemed to be calming and now he was in full consolation mode. "You poor thing. Just go to bed and call me first thing in the morning. Good night dear!"

Shane put the phone back in his pants pocket and tossed the pants on the back of a chair. "Poor girl, she came home and they were right there in the porch, big as life. Not the least bit scared! Just staring at her with those beady eyes.They didn't even run until she stamped her feet!" "No kidding!" I added trying to sound supportive. "Yeah, she really hates mice and they were fat ones!"

"Mice?!!!!: I replied. "Yeah, she's terrified of them." Maybe there shouldn't be exceptions to those rules after all. Maybe we should just mind our own business.