A Cup Of Joe

I am thoroughly convinced that there are principally two different kinds of Canadians, those who drink Tim Hortons and those who drink Starbucks. All right, before you get too excited, there are those weirdos in that third category, the teetotallers, tree huggers and hippies who are too sensitive to drink coffee. But for those real Canadians, real people, with real lives. We drink coffee, hot black, steaming nasty, smells good tastes horrible, coffee! Fix it how you will. Black, white, sugar, no sugar. Double double Double triple. Latte, Mocha chino whatever! COFFEE! We don't drink it because we want to we drink it because we have to. You know the first of the twelve steps is admitting we have a problem. My name is Greg T. and I am a Coffaholic! You really think you aren't hooked, especially to one or the other of the big chains? Try this spend some time in a foreign country.


I just got back from three weeks in the British Isles (I include Ireland in this so my sincerest apologies to the Irish as they are definitely not British). The first thing I noticed was the nasty black liquid that greeted me when the waitress finally arrived with two stainless steel decanters. I am sure she asked me if I wanted coffee. What was in my cup when she was finished pouring was a complete surprise to me. I picked up a small pitcher that contained a white fluid. I always pour a little cream into my coffee then wait. The dream slides down the side of my cup then swirls upwards magically turning the dark brown liquid a wonderful golden color. It changes the smell too, I think. It seems to soften to fill the nostrils with that cafe au lait smell that I love so much. However when the white liquid hit this stuff it was as if it had vanished. The volume in my cup increased but the color and odor did not change one iota. Milk, I reasoned. Then a second realisation hit me, Man this must be strong coffee the color is the same. I added more milk with no effect. I poured until my cup brimmed and I dared not stir as it would have sloshed. I ended up with a liquid the color of a Panther tank model I once painted. Flat battle grey I think the label on the paint bottle had read. As I was horribly jet-lagged and sleep deprived I raised the cup to my lips and took a strong pull at the now lukewarm mess. It was appalling. I have drunk some bad cups of coffee in my time, in college dorm rooms, cooked over an open fire, reheated day old Joe in a microwave at three in the morning, but this one beat all.

A couple at the next table to us were also on the same tour. He raised his mug in a morning salute and said cheerily, "Good stuff, just like Starbucks, eh?" He emphasized the "eh" as a reference to the fact that we were Canadian, they were from Oklahoma. I suppressed a grimace and waved, too appalled to speak. I am a Double Double man myself. A medium double double to be exact. You cannot be human nowadays without having a coffee Identity. I suppose to be honest I am now a double double sweetener as a concession to my diabetes. In actual fact, (no body's listening right? I mean, you can keep a secret?) I don't really like coffee. I drink a cup or so a day, more as required, but mostly for medicinal purposes. In other words I drink it to get awake or to stay awake. I add milk and sweetener so I can get the stuff down. To me it is the Buckley's Cough Syrup of the beverage world, It tastes awful but it works. That's why I like Tim Horton's, you can doctor it up and make it passable with caution. I believe that most Canadians, if the truth were told, love the smell of coffee but the taste is somewhat less appealing. Starbucks people are different. They love the taste so much they want you to slap them with it. No, harder, like you mean it! They are masochistic sorts. Tim's people like to be awoken with a gentle word or a nudge in a mug. Starbucks people want to be grabbed by the ankles and inverted, and shaken awake by a seven foot drill instructor of a coffee. No subtle nuances here, just pure, raw savage power. Well folks if this is you, you'll love England, Strong coffee without a trace of cream. No wonder the English drink so much tea. They do Tea very well, hot fresh and sweet. Sublime. By the end of our tour, when the waitress arrived with the two gleaming carafes, I said, "Tea, Please!" When in Rome... Hey, did you see that tree, let's see if I can get my arms around it...